At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
as a side note pls kill me
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
