I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
