i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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