I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize