only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
