i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
