This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
