it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
