the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
