that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Randomize
