Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
