My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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