im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
