You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
