is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
