there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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