I met the friendliest cop last night
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
