It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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