Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
