He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
