Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my being single is dangerous.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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