and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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