i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
