im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
