idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
