nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
