I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
