so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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