so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
