I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Found the puke drawer
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
