My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Is it penis luge time yet?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
