2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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