I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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