Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
