so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
