SEEEEXXX PLEASE
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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