I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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