new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Randomize
