Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm gonna fight the coyote
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
