Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
