I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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