I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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