If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
