I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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