just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
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