Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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