i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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