is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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