Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
