I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
