How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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