I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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