nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
