My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
