I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
