my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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