In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
