when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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