Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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