I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
