guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
