what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize